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Marathon Sail & Power Squadron

MARITIME AMUSEMENT
BOATING JOKES, & FUNNY STORIES

YOU can keep the nautically oriented jokes flowing here. They will be posted below in the order in which they are received. Send in a new joke and it goes to the top. Send your joke by email to the WEBMASTER. Jokes should be in good taste. Include your name. Submitters will be listed. 
         Please do NOT forward attachments to your emails that you have received from others (viruses - but you can retype them).

09/03 in Readers Digest Sept 2003 - www.rd.com

Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
    "Change yours ten degrees west," comes the reply.
The captain responds, "I'm a United States Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
    "I'm a seaman second class," the next message reads. "Change your course, sir."
The captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
    "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

10/02 from 7 year old Jessica Absten of the Power Squadrons - Sailors (She got this from the cartoon "Sponge Bob Squarepants")
Q:    Do you know what you call a Snail on a Ship?
A:    A SNAILER!   (Yuk Yuk Yuk)

8/02 from Sail Magazine, www.sailmag.com - Freudian Slips available in Stonington Maine! - Check out this sign at the public docks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

7/02 from P/C Gregory Absten - SHARK ATTACK!
As all tourists that come to the Keys know, Sharks can be a dangerous threat to swimmers, divers and snorkelers. A local Marathon dive master was overheard giving a pre-dive briefing on the boat just before the divers hit the water. "You know", he says - "Its very important that you're properly equipped as a diver before going down. -- and do you know what your most important protection is against Sharks? -- it's your Dive Knife. It's very important that you have a very sharp dive knife that is readily accessible in case you're confronted by a shark while in the water".  One of the divers looked up, wide eye-ed and a little nervous and asked, "I heard that sharkskin is very tough - like sandpaper, and their teeth are razor sharp. How would I handle my dive knife to defend against such a formidable killer?  The dive master paused, picked his dive knife up in his hand and, with a serious, contemplative look, lightly stroked the flat sides of the blade.  "It's all in team work", he quietly responded.  "You always dive close to your buddy, right?  Well, -- when the shark gets close and looks like he's ready to attack, ..... you reach for your dive knife .... hold it out straight in front of you, then  .......................then ............
       .....................      GRAB YOUR BUDDY - SLIT HIS THROAT - AND SWIM AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    *Note: ( :-)  OK, for all you tourists that read this and take it too seriously:  Sharks are NOT a problem here in the Keys, or most anywhere for that matter. This is how we make fun of irrational tourist fears.

7/01 - from Sail Magazine, www.sailmag.com  KNOCK KNOCK
Knock, knock.  -  Who's there?  -  Genoa.  -  Genoa who?  -  Genoa a good sailmaker?

7/01 - from Sail Magazine, www.sailmag.com   BOAT PARTS
How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because the right size bulb isn't on board, the local marine-supply store doesn't carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.

7/01 - from Sail Magazine, www.sailmag.com PARTING OF THE WATERS
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister are bareboating in the Caribbean when they discover the cabin is filling with water and they are in imminent danger of sinking. "Oh, Lord," says the priest, "if you would let us walk on water as you did your Son, we could make it to that island over there and be saved." Then he steps off the stern of the boat and is drowned. "Oh, Lord," says the rabbi, "if you would part the seas for us, as you once did for your chosen people, we could make it to that island over there and be saved." Then he steps off the stern of the boat and is drowned. "Oh, Lord," says the minister, "did you say to turn the handle on the seacock clockwise or counterclockwise?"

7/01 - from Sail Magazine, www.sailmag.com 
When is a boat not a boat? - when it's aground. (and when its Capn Greg in the ICW!)

7/01 - from Sail Magazine, www.sailmag.com PEARLY GATES
After one particularly difficult passage, a famous cruising couple find themselves at the Pearly Gates, where their lines are taken by St. Peter himself.  "There doesn't seem to be much record of you, good or bad," he says. "so I'm going to let you decide for yourselves whether you go to heaven or hell. First let me describe them for you. On the one hand, you could spend eternity in cramped quarters, your beds a few inches shorter than you are tall, your food and water always rationed, and a shower something you could only dream of."
"And what about hell?" the couple asked.

7/01 - from Sail Magazine, www.sailmag.com LAWYERS & DOCK LINES
What's the difference between a lawyer and a dock line? One should be whipped at both ends: the other keeps your boat tied to the dock.

7/01 - from Sail Magazine, www.sailmag.com CREW WOES
What time is it when an elephant sits on the windward rail? Time to ask yourself why you have such a hard time getting crew.

7/01 - from Sail Magazine, www.sailmag.com  BLONDES
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde had all entered a singlehanded race but failed to make it to the starting line. The brunette lost her mast overboard during a grueling qualifying passage and couldn't get it repaired in time. The redhead decided the flexing of the hull around the keelbolts she discovered at the last moment might lead to structural failure when she was far at sea and beyond the range of easy rescue. The blonde couldn't find crew.

4/2/01 - Passed to Greg by a physician friend:  - PIRATE LORE - 
I was in a local tavern in a time-hidden little coastal town. There sat a crusty old pirate enjoying a grog in the corner. I was curious about his peg leg, eye patch and hook for a hand so I pulled up a chair to share a few drinks. Tell me sir, I said. How did you come by your wooden peg leg? Welllll Maitey - he drawled. Me mates were havin a bit of fun and we were all drunk on deck one night. Before I knew it they threw me overboard to sober me up! As I swam back to the boat I seed a fin break the surface -- and before me mates could get me back onboard the shark had a piece of me leg! Oh, I said.  That must have been terrible. AYE mate, it were! - Then tell me sir, how did you come by your hook? - Argghhh! he says. That were the time a squall line were blowin in from the North. I's a working the foredeck and bringing in the sheets. Just as me pulled the belayin pin, a big gust of wind come up and blowed out the tall sail. The problem were me hand were caught in the line as the sail blowed out. It ripped her clean off me arm!  Well, I replied. Sounds like you've had some hard times. So tell me, how did you come by your eye patch. Well sonny, the old pirate went on, me was swabbin the deck one day when a frigate and lots of seagulls flewed over the masts. Me raised up me head to look and - SPLAT! - one of them birds pooped in me eye!
 - I paused for a second waiting for more of a story, then asked. But sir, I don't understand. How is it that a little bird poop would cause you to lose your eye!       ARRGGHH MAITEY!!!    That were the first day me had me new hook!!

2/26/00 - Anonymous Email Story - sent in by Greg Absten:  - DRIVES LIKE A BOAT -
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having  a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner boat to perform. It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.             
        REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE.....                Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.  :-)

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